I’ve come across the term “unicorn hunting” in the context of polyamorous relationships where a couple seeks a third person, often a bisexual woman, to join them without considering the third person’s needs and feelings as equally important. I’ve gathered that some people view this as a negative thing, and I’d like to understand the reasoning behind that perspective.
It seems like the term carries some negative connotations, implying that the couple might be treating the third person as an object or a means to fulfill their own fantasies, rather than a partner with their own autonomy and rights. I’m curious about the specific issues that make unicorn hunting frowned upon within polyamorous or non-monogamous communities.
From what I can tell, there’s a sense that unicorn hunting may involve an unfair or unrealistic set of expectations on the third person. I’m interested in how these dynamics can affect the individuals involved and what ethical considerations should be kept in mind to avoid potentially harmful situations.
Building on what’s been said about the unequal power dynamics in unicorn hunting, there’s also the issue of disposability that can arise. Often the ‘unicorn’ may feel that if any issues come up in the triad, they are the most expendable. They may worry that their relationship with the couple is contingent on their ability to solely provide happiness or fulfill a specific role. It’s essential to recognize that every person in a polyamorous relationship has their own worth and should not be seen as just an expendable ‘extra’.
My personal approach has been focusing on the concept of ‘kitchen table polyamory’, where all parties involved have a relationship of some form, even if it’s not romantic. This way, communication lines are open, and there’s a mutual understanding and respect for each individual’s place in the dynamic. Ensuring that everyone sits at the ‘kitchen table’ helps in treating all relationships as valid and unique, rather than having a hierarchy with the original couple at the top.
Zanele, you mentioned the importance of respect, consent, and equal partnership. Have you or someone you know found a particular way of framing discussions or setting boundaries that helps maintain that balance in polyamorous relationships?
Unicorn hunting often sets up a dynamic where the couple has a pre-existing relationship and power structure that can put the third person at an inherent disadvantage. It’s common to hear about couples laying down rules meant to protect their original relationship, but these can end up marginalizing the unicorn’s needs and desires. Imagine joining a team where everyone else already knows the playbook, but you’re expected to play without that knowledge; it can feel pretty unwelcoming and disempowering.
One of the critical issues with unicorn hunting is that it can create a situation where the third person, the ‘unicorn’, is seen as a fantasy or an addition rather than a fully integrated partner. It’s not just about sex; it’s about respect, consent, and equal partnership. Emotions and connections can’t be dictated by rules, and when couples forget this, they risk treating the third partner as an accessory rather than as a person.
Being in a relationship where everyone feels valued and heard is crucial. For those exploring polyamory, what approaches have you found to be more ethical and sensitive to everyone involved?
